Ps i still dont smoke grits if anyone was wondering. 

So i got a gym pass. I mean, who was I kidding thinking that i was going to lose 10 pounds by haphazardly doing workouts in my bedroom, stopping (often) to stick a binky back in a mouth, or coo and cradle a child (my child) back to slumber so that i can stop feeling like complete shit. 

I even went as far as to get a 3 day personal trainer. She is pretty cool, her name is Michele (pronounced “Mishelley”) and i wonder about her sexuality. Not that it bothers me (i love the gays as much as gaga) (Ps. its gay pride in LB this weekend) but i wonder. I am a curious child-Wait, Adult.

There are ants living in my neighbors walls, and since we all share walls, they are in my walls too. We dont eat upstairs, vacuum once a week, and live pretty dang cleanly, i think. So how the f is it that i wake up AT LEAST 5 TIMES A WEEK with an ant on my face/arm/foot.

Just one single ant. Not a whole bunch of them, and no more will be seen for hours after, but that ONE ant was on MY FACE. Its so gross, i want to move. And they’re raising our rent next year anyways so what is the point even? i want to live in Long Beach anyways.

My poor sweet bradley injured himself at work this week, and has been home. All week. On workers comp…all week. at home. with me.

I love him all the way to his BONES but he needs to be constantly entertained and i have my routine, you know. But all this together time has really been nice for benson, i think. He’s loving us. (I can only assume since he cant confirm this, due to his inability to speak.)

And we have had a lot of time to talk wedding. Its the real deal, its coming on. I dont even know where to begin looking for a dress since im still 40 pounds away from where i want to be. (Im serious about this gym thing, i mean i am getting down with the machines and weights and planks, and all that squatting khloe kardashian talks about)

P.F.S. I JUST KILLED AN ANT ON MY KEYBOARD 

Has anyone noticed how i dont swear on my blog anymore? Like, really i used to drop F bombs a lot, and i feel now, as a mother, its not cute. Am i wrong? Am i being un-real by censoring my colorful vocabulary?

I just want to be a good mom and i dont want anyone to think (even though i know im a good mom) that i am not.

Because lets be fucking real, i care about public opinion. 

OOPS. Sorry.

I really really really REALLY love my life. 

So i got clearance to work out at my doctors appointment yesterday. To some, working out is exciting and they crave it. For others working out is repulsive and they would rather die. For me, working out is a mixture of the two, and it also makes me feel insane because as soon as im done working out for thirty minutes im like : AM I SKINNY  NOW? DO I LOOK GOOD YET? and, after one work out, this is not the case. ever. 

SO usually i just start counting calories and eating really lean and clean and BAM, im in my skinny skinny jeans. 

But i cant do that. Im breastfeeding so i have to eat real food. Do you know how mental this makes me feel?

So i just worked out with some “POPSUGAR” workout videos on youtube in my underwear in my room (blinds closed) and i am D R I P P I N G with sweat. Thirty minutes and i am sweaty and my heart rate is up and i feel like a million dollars in change just hit me in my whole body. I feel beaten up. But, my heart rate was up for thirty minutes and that in itself makes me feel a little bit more alive.

Especially since the last few weeks i’ve been in bed till 11 cuddling with my kid and watching entire seasons of WEEDS. I re-fell in love with that show so much so, that i got new considerably shorter extensions (the same length as Nancy’s hair) and have let my natural curl go these last few days. Not going to start modeling her mothering skills, but i do like her in a twisted way.

I feel really good about my hair and face (my skin is looking great, and the summer brings out my freckles) BUT THE REst of me, GO AWAY.

I got all excited the other day because i lost another pound and fit into ONE pair of Pre-baby pants. I mean, its a start.

I just hate all these celebrities who ruin it for the rest of us real people.

But i really REALLY like my kid, so i will be doing workout videos and walking around the block until my ass looks like it did, and ill get my skinny clothes back out of the attic.

Im going to go shower really quick. 
(If youre wondering how i do that, i bring my kids baby seat in the bathroom with me and shower with the shower door open so i can watch him sleep.

Anybody love me anymore?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

BENNY WHY ARE YOU IN A FOREST, IN A BASKET??????????????

CRYING FOREVER

My son is balding. Like, all the hair he was born with is falling out and if you saw my clothes, you’d think I had a cat… which i do not have, or care to have.

I tried to clean my house today. If you want a way to justify never doing anything, not going out, never texting anyone, failing at calling anyone back, or basically doing nothing ever, have a child. 

Twice this week i was late to an appointment, and before i could even apologize they exploded with “Ohhhhh you’re a new mommmyyy! its fine!” 

I stopped to get coffee…. i only admit this to you now because i want you to know that my son slept perfectly while i applied my make-up and was an angel while i buckled him into his seat.

Some people use their child as an excuse to wear yoga pants forever; a fad i do not subscribe to….all the time. i mean i DO only have two pairs of legitimate pants that fit me currently, so i allow myself to wear my “vacation pants” (yoga pants) out of my house once a week, or for errands before 10am and after 7pm.

Some of you may think im unreal. i appreciate that.

This blog was all typed with one hand because the other was assisting in my breast feeding.

;D later

magicconchshell:

i usually dont post pics of my family on here but this is my sister my brother my dad and i 

Ah! Another new beginning!

For anyone who follows my blog fairly closely, you know that I do an “End of the Year Re-Cap”, where I pay tribute to all the important/traumatic/funny moments of my year. So, to get an idea of how hilariously into my blog I am, today I thought “This is so going in my Re-Cap.” 

So, Im moving salons. I got a new Job at this really adorable little spot called “The Haven.” Its so stupidly close to my house, I’ll probably walk to work! (I SAID PROBABLY, OK) Its crazy how all i cared about was making money and having fly hands, and now i dont even have my freakin NAILS DONE BECAUSE IM SCARED! Im scared that something will get stuck under my acrylic and get in his mouth. or something. I dont know, my fears have become very irrational.

But back to the main event: Im moving salons! Im always so nervous to start somewhere with new people. New personalities, new stories, new bonds I have to form over time.  What if they dont like me?! I’ve only worked at two places where I hated the people I worked with because they were stupid box-dyed bimbos who took their job too seriously and only cared about NOTHING. Like, get two lives? Anyways, those jobs really only lasted a few weeks because i couldnt get into it. 

I spend a lot of my time at work, and i really want people to like me where i spend a lot of time. shoot, you guys know me. I cant handle it when anyone doesnt like me. Who am I kidding?

So wish me luck in my new adventures, and COME SEE MY AT MY NEW SPOT! HOLLLAAA

Quick recap 

My son is SO CUTE. 

Well, today was Benny’s first easter! I tried to find him one of those cheesey silly like “my first easter” things, but at the last minute at target, and there werent any in his size. He still seems so small to me. Especially when i take a picture with him and i look like a giant.

I gained a lot of weight when i was pregnant. I mean, i was at my thinnest when i got knocked up, but i feel seriously disgusting every time i look in the mirror. And then i see my kid and im like “SO WORTH IT.” And then i see my thighs and im like ” wanna die.” but then my son smiles and i dont care about my size, and then i see my reflection- im pretty sure you’re getting my drift now.

Im breast feeding so I cant just cut calories like crazy and go on runs all the time. I have to be sure Im getting enough calories (upwards of 2000) so that my son is well nourished. TWO THOUSAND CALORIES! That number would literally give an anorexic a heart attack. Im not anorexic but i know a few.

But on a positive note, i have lost almost 30 pounds already, and it hasnt even been a month yet, so i guess i should calm down and just enjoy my son. Bradley still finds me attractive, so whatever;)

I havent worn high heels in almost 8 months so i figured today was a good time to bust em out. I dont know how people are packing a kid and wear heels. I initially stopped because i was paranoid i would fall and hurt the fetus.  Then, once i gained the LBZ the thought of heels literally made me laugh. Like, out loud. Once i saw this lady dressed like she was going to the club at 8 months pregnant in Babies r us…..in like, HUGE HEELS. I felt ashamed, for some reason.

I dont know, anyways so My feet have gone back to my normal size, and they made me look a little skinnier so YEA! Well, it was all fun and games until i stepped into a pot hole on the grass (why was i wearing wedges trying to walk on grass) and i almost went down, and then caught myself three times in a row. So i kept twisting my foot. On the third twist i just let myself fall onto the DAMP grass. Now i can barely walk. 

Great. So i cant even use the illusion of high heels to slim me down. 

If you see me on the streets, tell me im skinny. I am dying for compliments.

(screw you, at least im honest!)

I had every intention of making my last blog post longer, but my kid started making cute faces and I got distracted. He’s asleep right now, so I think i’ll be able to focus long enough to make a complete thought.

When i imagined my first weeks at home with Benson, i pictured myself exhausted and up all night. But so far this has been such a pleasant experience, i cant even complain! Surprisingly the hardest part has been telling people they need to chill out and we dont need their help. Dont get me wrong, I very much appreciate the o v e r w h e l m i n g support and love but no one cut off my hands, i can still wash a dish ;) 

I guess im just not the type to really ask for or receive help unless i really really need it. People begging for me to let them help me makes me uncomfortable…. So, Im tired, but not exhausted, and Bradley and I have never gotten along better. So, thank you for the offer, but we are enjoying ourselves. 

If anyone was wondering what a C-section was like, I’d be happy to share with you that it was so incredibly easy, i almost felt cheated. My incision is so low, no one could ever see it, (even if i wore one of those super slutty bikinis) (which i would never) and my recovery has been so mellow and easy, im going back to work this week.

Yeah, two weeks off and im feeling great. I still cant walk super fast, and my abdominal muscles are pretty weak too, but i think ill be able to do crunches in a few weeks.

Ha, like i ever even did crunches before? 

Maybe now I will start, seeing as how i have quite a bit of weight to lose. I shudder at the number, but I’ve already lost 25 pounds in the last two weeks, so Im feeling slightly LESS like an elephant, more like a panda bear? I just have to try to stay sane because happy breast milk is the best breast milk. So, Im smiling….In my fat jeans.

So i havent gotten any bills in the mail yet for my angel son that was born almost exactly two weeks ago. So, basically Im still ballin’, incase you wanted to know.

Also, i am pumping my breast milk right now with my Medela gazillion dollar electric breast pump with a hands free bra. A hands free bra… hmm, what does that look like, you may ask? Imagine something Lady Gaga would wear, K?  A bandeau type bra with two holes in the front for your (my) nipples to chill. Or in Mean Girls when they cut those holes in Regina George’s tank…. you probably get it.

So basically Im still ballin’, incase you wanted to know.